From darkness to light: my pro-life journey

Unto the end, a psalm for David, to bring to remembrance that the Lord saved him.
O God, come to my assistance; O Lord, make haste to help me.
Let them be confounded and ashamed that seek my soul:
Let them be turned backward, and blush for shame that desire evils to me: Let them be presently turned away blushing for shame that say to me: Tis well, tis well.
Let all that seek thee rejoice and be glad in thee; and let such as love thy salvation say always: The Lord be magnified.
But I am needy and poor; O God, help me. Thou art my helper and my deliverer: O Lord, make no delay.
Ps 69:1-6

By the grace of God I have mustered the courage to write this forthcoming reflection which comes after a period of months that has greatly awakened me to a past blindness.

I have been blessed beyond measure by our Lord and His servants to have been drawn into pro-life activism in a way that I only wish I would have had the courage to do earlier. From the first moment I was told what an abortion is, I abhorred it and was troubled that such a thing could be legal. However could I have been so complacent?

I was raised in a small country town named Ocala where life was always calm and we lived relatively peaceful lives. My parents moved us there so we’d be free from the troubles of city life and may God bless them for the choice. I heard repeatedly about abortion from my beloved priest at Mass but always trusted that others were working hard to do something about it, although in reality the question of what I could do about it never crossed my mind. I never knew anyone who had an abortion, nor did I ever see one, nor did I sense the urgency. I knew it is a great evil, but I went on living.

Upon coming to college, I faced a new world, a world where things I had never seen nor ever dreamt could exist were indeed present. This greatly troubled me and I was swept into this turbulent place trying to find some sort of reason. From the shelter of my home I wrote angrily against the moral depravity in the university and I even decried abortion in articles that I posted online and submitted to the newspaper. And yet I still did not find the courage to go out and do what so many of my friends were already doing- going to the front lines of the American holocaust and fighting for the lives of those who are silent. Abortion was just one of those many evils on that list of things that I abhorred and wanted nothing to do with. I was comfortable in my shell of self-fulfillment and spiritual discovery. I railed against the rampant apathy of America and did not even see sense my own spiritual anesthesia.

Frustrated by my spiritual pursuits but still dogged by an indomitable desire to seek the Good, I fell into the snares of the modernist university. Thinking myself on the path towards the Truth and content with my carefree life, I embarked on an academic search for things universal and profound. I found myself in the whirlwind of error, delving into evil and perverted philosophies of man and the society, indulging in impurity in my behavior, and all the while seeking to reconcile it with what I felt deep down to be true- that wisdom and grace imparted by that Church which I so longed to love. And yet I found no contentment in such teaching. I shunned the world but indulged in it. My mind was constantly tormented.

It is impossible to say what it was that ultimately drew me from this terrible snare placed by the Deceiver but I know that the Ghost was always moving, always inspiring, and often speaking to me through those I grew to love as friends. I saw myself in a futile pursuit of joy where I knew I could not find it. I sought to eradicate suffering from my life. It was not until I discovered the blessings that my sufferings had imparted to me that I realized how richly blessed I had been, how infinitely loved I truly was! So I embraced suffering, I submitted to the pain, and I grew to love my sadness, for in the measure that my heart was wearied by sin it was all the more exalted by the abundant mercy of my Lord. I had seen life as something to control, to conquer, to manipulate. It became something to behold, to experience, to absorb every minute of. It became a blessing. And thus I truly began to live through deepened prayer, through a truer adherence to the teaching of Holy Mother Church, and through a purer pursuit of what in my heart of hearts I yearned for as Truth. The troubles have still been there, as have the sufferings and the crosses of everyday life, and yet what solace have I encountered in that one Passion of the Cross. That most agonizing and glorious Passion!

Therefore when I was invited to pray before the local abortion mill by a dear friend in a most fortuitous manner, not a single stirring of fear or hesitation arose. I went and I beheld that awful place. I saw tears in my friends’ eyes. The hot burning candle wax of flames fading into the night pierced my soul. I could never turn my back again. After years of complacency I could never turn away from those evils which I so despise, which so wrenches my heart, which so torments that creation of God that is Man- apathy, despair, lust, pride.

How much evil has lingered because of my inaction? How many children have been murdered for my fear and apathy? How many souls have been lost for my deficiency of prayer?

Oh Lord, into thy hands I commend my spirit. Do unto me as you will. Deign, in thine infinite mercy, to forgive so pitiful a sinner as I, and grant that I may never more dare to offend Thee, that I may once again live to Thee, that I may forevermore be only thine.

Ephesians 6: 11-20
Put you on the armour of God, that you may be able to stand against the deceits of the devil. For our wrestling is not against flesh and blood; but against principalities and power, against the rulers of the world of this darkness, against the spirits of wickedness in the high places. Therefore take unto you the armour of God, that you may be able to resist in the evil day, and to stand in all things perfect. Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of justice, And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace: In all things taking the shield of faith, wherewith you may be able to extinguish all the fiery darts of the most wicked one. And take unto you the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit (which is the word of God). By all prayer and supplication praying at all times in the spirit; and in the same watching with all instance and supplication for all the saints: And for me, that speech may be given me, that I may open my mouth with confidence, to make known the mystery of the gospel. For which I am an ambassador in a chain, so that therein I may be bold to speak according as I ought.